Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Although I suppose it'd have been worse if my shirt WAS unbuttoned

So I'm walking down a city street to work this morning, and I notice that men walking in the other direction, towards me, are all giving me appreciative glances. Now, it's not as if the odd appreciative glance is completely unheard of in my world, but this was well beyond normal. There was staring, there were smiles, there was at least one leer so blatant that I wondered if my shirt had come unbuttoned or something.

Perhaps I'm emitting a vibe that I'm unaware of, I thought. It's a nice sunny day, maybe they're all just filled with joie de vivre. Perhaps the half-asleep no-makeup look is more appealing to men than I'd thought?

And then the footsteps that had been behind me for quite some time sped up, and a tall, slim young woman with waist length blonde hair, a short skirt and knee high spiked heels overtook me and turned down a side street. After which, the glances stopped.

Not the best start to a day I've ever had.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Study in a Shade of Fatigue


Oh, God, is it seriously morning already?

Uh huh.

I don't want to get up. Being in bed is nice. Being asleep was nice. I would like to stay here, please.

Mmmm. We can't. We have to go to work.

Do you think that if we dressed the cats up in teeny little suits, and sent them off to our works instead of us, anyone would notice?



...They're a lot shorter than us. And lazier. They'd just sleep on the keyboards.


Oh, crap, I forgot we need to change the bed. I was hoping I could just crawl in and go to sleep.

Mmm me too.

Well, come on, don't just stand there.

What do you want me to do? Do a little dance?

Well I was thinking 'give me a hand with the quilt cover', but a little dance would be entertaining.

Doo dee doo, la la la la…what? Why are you laughing?


What? You're making no sense, I can't understand you, you're laughing too much.

That's...that's singing.


We're just really tired, aren't we?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The post I'm posting prior to posting a post

I've been reading fitness and lifestyle magazines online, recently, because – well, it's practically like actually exercising, surely? Anyway, I'm browsing Self and I come across an article entitled '31 days to great sex (try one easy tip a day)'. Okay then

Tip 1: Sleep in the buff.

Okay, now, not to judge, but…

Is it at all possible that a woman who is looking for ways to entice her partner into more frequent sex hasn't already tried taking her clothes off? I mean, at all possible?

The other top four, for the record, are:

"Work out", which – well, it's a fitness magazine, isn't it? I mean yes okay, but it's hardly news.

"Initiate a quickie". I don't have a position on this one, but I am somewhat perplexed by the accompanying picture, which appears to suggest that you should climb atop your husband whilst he lies back and reads the newspaper.

"Turn in early". You mean I'm more likely to want sex if I'm not exhausted? Who knew?

"Stop eating two hours before you go to bed". Apparently 'feeling full can diminish desire', according to some expert who has never met a Taurean. She doesn't explain why except to say that 'heavy meals may cause a woman to feel less sexy' which rather suggests that this is more societal than anything else (and god forbid the solution should be 'learn to love your body' instead). I wouldn't be so offended, but the suggested solution is to keep a stash of frozen meals around so that you can 'nuke your nosh'.

So giving up a shared, lingering dinner of salmon and asparagus with a glass of sauvignon blanc, followed by some cheese and strawberries and port and meaningful looks over a candle-lit table, instead going for a frozen piece of tasteless chicken and pre-boiled peas, is going to improve my libido.

She really hasn't met a Taurean before, has she?

The whole thing baffles me, perhaps even more than the average Cosmopolitan 'sex tip' articles. It's not that I expect every woman to have the skills and repetoire of a high class escort (and in fact it annoys me that we do in fact seem to be expected to these days), but I would think that the sort of woman who is buying womens' magazines in the first place, a genre aimed at 'improving' oneself for the delectation of one's mensfolk...already know that getting naked and initiating sex is a good way to, you know, get laid.

And that's not even what I was going to blog about today. I was going to blog about the inability of various people to accept that women do not delay or eschew having children in favour of a career, financial security or personal satisfaction out of ignorance, but rather out of choice.

But what would I know?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Zoo: Grubbing in the dirt and picking lice off one another as always

Dear Mr Merrill,

Hi. I'm one of those feminists. You know, the ones you want to see naked. And whilst we're on that topic – yeah, good luck with that plan.

Anyway, you seem a little confused about a few things. That's okay. I realise that it can get confusing, this radical concept that women are people too. I understand that it's easier to assume that feminists don't like sex than to acknowledge that we just don't like sex with you. And plus, I hear that all that thinking is emasculating, or something, and we wouldn't want that.

So I've tried to make this simple for you.

We* don't disapprove of sexy women. We disapprove of anyone who think their girlfriend's cleavage is for public consumption. We disapprove of anyone who makes money from exploiting the insecurities of others. We disapprove of those who think that it's okay to encourage their girlfriends to mutilate their bodies and insert potentially lethal foreign bodies into their breasts. Wait, did I say disapprove? Because I meant despise.

That is a despicable thing to do, and I feel nauseated at the thought that it was a popular competition. There are that many men out there who think it's alright to try and get their girlfriends to deform their bodies so that they look more pornalicious? There are that many women out there who would accept this?

And we don't hate men. We do, however, hate you, you vile, revolting excuse for a human being.
Hope that clears things up.


*I am handily defining 'we' as encompassing 'the group of people who share my opinions on this topic', here. Don't be fooled by the disclaimer, though. There are a lot of us.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

And a young man's fancy turns to...

Blondie: Is it really still winter? It feels like summer out here this evening.
Tanya: I know, like, did I miss a memo or something? To: The Southern Hemisphere (except tanya), From, from…whoever is in charge of these things, Subject line: Bollocks to this winter lark, summer's the go.
B: It's good, though.
T: Oh, I know. Men in shirt sleeves.
B: I know! So good! And it's nice to be able to wear a skirt with bare legs again.
T: Yeah, the men in shirt sleeves are pretty happy about it. Everyone's checking everyone else out all the damn time.
B: Tell me about it. People just wandering down the street looking at each other all mmm hmm.
T: Good times.
B: Good times.

There's definitely something in the air recently. I have had some serious game going on and believe me when I say it's not like I'm trying, because, hello, married. Suddenly even the stuffiest of my colleagues are tossing me compliments like the compliments are fish and I'm a seal and it's feeding time at the zoo and oh my God could I have invented a worse simile? Even my horoscope, which is usually all Russian doom and gloom, likes me for a change. Well, except for the whole 'keep your mouth shut' aspect, but you take what you can get from an ill-translated Russian horoscope, in my opinion.

And it's not just me. Yesterday I watched a young man go walking up the street, spot a girl in an above-the-knee skirt and strappy sandals, and almost step in front of a car. He'd have died with a smile, at any rate.

The only problem with the unseasonable warmth, from my point of view, is that I suddenly need to shave again. After months of thinking eh, tomorrow will do, it's now firmly de rigeur. At least, unless I want to solidify my reputation as The Feminist One around here, and whilst I have no problem with that in the abstract, I don't think I want to push my luck in a professional-image-assisting-in-the-pursuit-of-promotions sort of way. So I suck it up and shave my legs.

And why is that a big deal? Well, remember how I am both a Delicate Flower and have no fine motor skills? And you know how shaving involves a sharp blade being dragged up and down the skin? Unfortunately, when I am tired and rushing through my morning shower, my lack of motor skills make a mockery of the concept 'safety razor'. Which means I end up sporting a trickle of red to decorate the blue-white of my ankles.

Not a great look. I never was very patriotic.

So I've been trying to think of alternatives. Let's see:

Electrolysis/Laser hair Removal
This is...this is something people actually do? Zap their hair follicles with electricity one by one? Um. No.


I've tried this. Note the past tense. It is safe to say that I do not understand the point of waxing. It's messy, it's painful and it's tedious. In my case it makes my skin blotchy and pink for the first day after the treatment. I could potentially deal with all of these things, except for one thing. It only works if the hair is long enough to pull out. Which means that one can't redo it until the hair has grown back. Which means that, on my calculations, I would have to sport leg hair for the majority of the time. So. No.

Depilatory Cream

As a foolish and overeager 12 year old, I bought some of this stuff to use on my newly sprouted armpit hair and locked myself away in the bathroom for this, my first foray into the tedious business of being an adult woman.
Long story short, if something starts to itch, and then burn, you should probably wash it off as soon as possible rather than gritting your teeth for ten minutes. Unless you enjoy having red, swollen, tender armpits for three months afterwards.

Also, funny thing, turns out depilatory cream should never be used on armpits.

Not Shaving Your Legs

Already dealt with above, but I find it interesting that this is not raised as an option when one googles 'alternatives to shaving'. I'm just saying. Not is 'wear trousers'.

(Yes, I did google alternatives to shaving. Do you want new blog posts, or not? Then hush.)