Sex by Cosmo

This coming Saturday I’m going out with some friends to Boho. And since the main purpose of this trip (putting aside the obvious: to get tipsy on expensive cocktails) is to wear my fabulous new bustier, I think I should probably make some attempt to look good in it. There are those who might claim that a week is not long enough to lose ten pounds and a pot belly, but I scoff at such cynicism. As long as I increase my amphetamine habit sufficiently, I should be fine.

So yesterday, I went to the gym. Really, I’m only mentioning this because I want to establish an excuse for the fact that I’m about to talk about a Cosmo article and I am a snob who doesn’t want her readers to think that she subscribes to Cosmo or anything. Not me. No. I only read Cosmo as part of my regular exercise regimen.

Anyway, so this (horrendously outdated) edition of Cosmo had one of those Sealed Sections. You know, Fifty Ways To Turn Your Man Into a Gibbering, Drooling Mess Who Will Buy You an Enormous Engagement Ring or whatever. For some reason I always assume that these articles are going to tell me something I don’t already know, or at least suggest a new way of doing something. No such luck, of course. Did you know that men like women to wear lingerie? And also, this just in: they enjoy fellatio. I know! What would we do without the intrepid Cosmo reporters?

But some of the tips from men…well.
“Don't forget to nip at my bottom lip every now and then. It's a bit of S&M mixed into an innocent make-out session.”
Nipping at someone’s bottom lip is S&M now? All I can say is, that guy’s going to get a major shock some day.
“Don't throw your head back and close your eyes while you're getting off. If you watch me going down on you, you're going to enjoy it twice as much.”
I’m not sure I like this guy’s tone.
“I love when our legs get intertwined like a pretzel during sex. It makes me feel like we're meshing together completely.”
I especially love when we don’t then realise it’s happened, one of us tries to move, dragging the other person with us, and we both end up falling off the single bed onto the floor, waking up the other people in the dormitory. Hypothetically.

The one thing that did catch my eye, though, was this line as part of an overly-complicated description of a sexual position: “it’s not just sex, it’s a bonding experience”.

Now. Far be it from me to preach sex as a sacred covenant between you and your life partner till death do you part. But sex as a bonding experience…is a novelty concept now? And only achievable in this one position, which by the way was called Splitting the Bamboo, and did my male readers just wince? Because there I was thinking that the joining of two bodies in the most intimate ways possible generally…oh, look, never mind. It’s Cosmo. What did I expect? Sincerity?

Holy crap, I have to stop posting about sex. I'm sorry. I promise I’ll be PG tomorrow.