Leaping Mildly Funny Quips in a Single Keystroke

How To Create Unnecessary Pressure On Oneself To Blog, or, A Conversation I Had The Other Night.

tanya: Hey, how are you, haven't seen you in ages
friend: I know! Have you updated the blog? I forgot the url.
tanya: justsomethingido.blogspot.com - how about you, been writing much?
friend: Not for fun, only work writing
tanya: Well, there is the url, come say hi some time
friend: Sure! Hey, did I mention I just won an award for best humour column?
tanya: Did I say justsomethingido? I meant, errr, actually, you know what, I haven't been blogging at all.

Anyway.

Knowing my natural tendency towards self-aggrandization and exaggeration, I have in recent weeks tried to adopt a more humble approach to analysis of my favourite subject: myself.

Naturally, this creates a tension with my belief in truth, justice and the expatriate way. It's a fine line I walk, the pressure of honesty keeping me up at night and the desire to overcome arrogance keeping me half-asleep during the day.

But in this one regard, I can no longer hide the truth. A conviction has stolen over me, one that has grown ever stronger until I can no longer ignore its truth.

I have superpowers.

I know, I know, but it's true. I have, in fact, the superpower much desired by children everywhere. The power of invisibility.

At first, I thought it was just a couple of rude commuters. Even a week ago, when I was partway through crossing a road and had to leap back not the curb to avoid being splattered by a car, I wrote it off to peak hour traffic.

But when, three times in a five minute walk to work, I am forced to stop moving and glue my back to the nearest wall because someone - with plenty of room on their other side, mind you - will otherwise walk straight into me, I have to consider other options.

Likewise, when I stand waiting at a shop counter for ten minutes whilst other people walk blithely in, order their coffee and walk blithely out again, and not a flicker of eye contact is made, I have to consider other options.

After all, it can't be that everyone is just incredibly rude, can it?

So henceforth, I will no longer rail at the blindness of others. It is a weighty role that has been foisted upon me - with power comes responsibility, and with superpower comes super responsibility. This is my vow to you: I will use my powers for good, instead of evil.

…

That, or stealing bottles of Laphraoig from the office of the managing partner.