Great questions of our time: Sex, sleep, or food?

Let me make this crystal clear: I want you to argue with me on this one.

So Jason Mulgrew brought up this question the other day: what’s best, food, sex or sleep?

Obviously one can survive without sex, whereas the other two are necessary. So, given the choice between bad sex and none at all, I’d choose none at all. In contrast, I’d chose bad food or sleep over none.

But that’s almost meaningless, since the body needs both sleep and food, no matter how bad, and the idea of choosing whether I prefer bad food or bad sleep is just too depressing.

Let’s consider the good.

Sleep

Those nights after a long day and a hard workout, when every limb feels heavy. And you manage to muster the physical energy to stand under a hot shower so that your skin is tingling through the weariness. And the bed is made with fresh sheets, and you slide in between them and drift into blissful deep sleep.

(That probably came across like a virgin trying to write erotica. I admit I was using my imagination. I haven't had a good night's sleep since 1991.)

Food

I have maintained for years that those people who use food merely as fuel don’t know how to cook. Because no-one can eat grilled haloumi with a glass of dry Rose, or asparagus and sundried tomato risotto with parmesan with a Marlborough Sauv Blanc and tell me that this is mere bodily fuel.

Sex

Don’t worry. I’m not going to describe good sex in lurid detail. You all know what good sex is. The sort that renders you oblivious to the world around you at the time, sees you grinning stupidly afterwards and makes your toes curl in pleased embarrassment on a bus full of commuters in the morning. You all know.

Sex, sleep, or food?

The thing about good sleep is that by definition, you’re not consciously experiencing it. Good sleep is experienced in the future and the past, but never in the present. So I’m ruling it out.

Good sex has more beneficial side effects than good food. It elevates the heartbeat, gets the endorphins flowing, promotes a sense of well-being. So assuming that there’s no possible repercussions (ie, it’s your own partner you’re with), sex has to win on the virtuous side of things...fundamentalist attitudes aside.

But then again, sex requires a certain amount of effort. You can have decent sex on your own, of course, but I’m not sure that competes with good food. And sex with someone else, well, it involves someone else. And therefore there’s a certain amount of pressure to make sure they’re enjoying themselves, they know you’re enjoying yourself, they know you know they’re enjoying…anyway, you know what I’m saying here.

Food, not so much. You can share a banquet of dhal, matter panir, alu ghobi and tomato kachumber with friends, or you can hunker down with an avocado, some olive tapenade and some good beer on your own. It can last a few exquisite minutes or be savoured over hours.And you never ever run out of flavour combinations.

I hate to come to this conclusion. But food is the best thing ever invented.