Friday, August 11, 2006

Hey, remember that poll?

So, were you thinking of maybe hijacking a plane from London, flying to America and blowing up a city? Want to practise first? Be my guest!

Okay, that was tasteless. Moving on.

Look, it’s becoming increasingly clear that I will never be able to post the results of the great Ten Inch Penis survey. The original problem was that two separate polls were running; one asked people to rank the five criteria whereas the other, due to technological limitations, merely asked people to specify the most and least important. So that didn’t help. No matter: I had this complicated algorithm worked out to collate the findings into one coherent set of results, the fruits of which I was going to share with you.

The second or more enduring problem is that I don’t have access to the complete second set of results, and they’ve proved impossible to obtain. So there goes my complicated algorithm.

However, I do have most of the results, so rather than posting some funky graph (ha! Like I know how to do that anyway) I’ll just give you the gist. All in all I got about sixty responses, the majority of which were women in their twenties and thirties but from a range of professions and even countries. Oh, and some men posted, too. That was nice.

The vast majority (about 90%) of women picked Good Sense of Humour and Intelligence as their top two characteristics. Responses were evenly divided when it came to ranking them first and second; that is, about half said that Intelligence was more important, the other half ranked it second below Humour.

An even bigger majority – maybe 95% - ranked Ten Inch Penis and Earning Capacity as the lowest two. About three quarters put Earning Capacity second last, the other quarter considering it the least important. Looks sat squarely in the middle.

Standard deviations: where age was known, older women tended to prioritise earning capacity over looks, younger women going for the physical appearance first. Men, who were asked to guess what women wanted, agreed that Intelligence and humour were more important than a large penis. However, as I suspected, they tended to guess that Earning Capacity was more important than the female answers actually suggested.

I did hope to be able to post some of the comments that came out of the poll, but I can’t do that just yet. Conversations around the poll have been intriguing, though. Would it be better to date someone a bit dim who made you laugh, or someone intriguingly smart who never saw the funny side? Can a lot of money make up for a lack of good looks? How many of us have ever encountered a ten-incher in real life, anyway?

I haven’t anything funny to post about this, really. But the gist is this: guys, if you’re funny and smart you’re probably doing okay in the pick-up stakes. And if you’re not, you’re obviously not hanging out with the right people – i.e, my friends and colleagues.

If you’re rich, well-endowed and boring as batshit (and batshit’s pretty boring, let me tell you), you’re out of luck. Sorry.

You know, that doesn’t look quite as convincing in type as it sounded in my head. I wonder if I phrased the survey wrong?


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