Three Conversations

On the drive home last night:
Me: I need to find a way to attach my IPod to myself when I'm at the gym. Any ideas?
Husband: You could tuck it into your waistband?
Me: That won't work.
Him: Or you could...tuck it into your underwear. [starts to laugh] That'd be funny, seeing someone wearing headphones, and the cord disappears down into their underwear. And you'd be all, er, what on earth are they listening to?
Me: The Vagina Monologues?

In conversation with a co-worker, discussing the pregnancy of an acquaintance's wife:
Me: Apparently she's due any day now
Her: Really? Is she having a caesarian?
Me: I don't think so, no. Why do you ask?
Her: Well, she's only got one leg.
Me: ...
Her: Well, it would make it hard to push.
Me: ...
Her: Because, you know, you wouldn't get traction.
Me: I can honestly say that never occurred to me before.

In my office, discussing how to co-ordinate diaries so that my boss can accompany me to various appointments.
Me: I don't know that we need a formal meeting, I'll just come and see you in your office, and we can make sure you can come down on me.
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: You didn't mean to say that, did you?